you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
