Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
