You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
