nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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