i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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