I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
