I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
