My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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