made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
