Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
is that a dick in a sweater?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
