i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
