Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
