yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
