when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
