just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
