Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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