Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
