Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm always down for nudity.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
