my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
