The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
