I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
