hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
