i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
