He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
