I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
