I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
