The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
