peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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