one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
