My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
