oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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