1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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