I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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