I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
