Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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