i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
