The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can text with my tongue
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize