I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize