surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize