You just made me feel so damn special
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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