I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
