Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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