she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
