Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
