i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
