I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
