if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
