when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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