Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
