Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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