just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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