can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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