I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This is my gift to your gina
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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