Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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