Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he told me I talked like a deaf person
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
