I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
