Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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