Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
