you turned your livingroom into a bong?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He shit in the fireplace
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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