I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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