I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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