my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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